We have worked with a number of couples who were already married.
And often they had not told anyone about it , or had perhaps told only one sister or a best friend -- but not the parents.
What to do? "Why don't we just have the wedding ceremony anyhow, nothing different except that there won't be a marriage license to sign after the ceremony?" Great idea, except that it's illegal. "Well, couldn't you just do it anyhow?" Nope. It's a bit like speeding -- we probably won't get caught, but if we do, there could be serious consequences, especially for the officiant. (Legally, this is considered fraud -- even if you're not trying to con or swindle anybody.)
We recommend presenting the ceremony as a Recommitment Ceremony. Of course, this could be a shock to those of your guests expecting a real wedding, so we recommend telling at least the immediate families in advance of the ceremony. We know, your inclination and preference would be not to do this at all, and if you do it, to delay it as long as you can.
But we believe strongly that it is better to be open and honest with those you love (even if you could get by without telling them), and the sooner you bite the bullet, the better. And if you make up your minds to get this done sooner rather than later, then you can plan and choose the best time to break the news, when everyone is most likely to be in a good mood, rather than trying to deal with it the last possible moment -- which might not be an ideal time. But the sooner you "come clean," the better your relationship with family is likely to be in the months and years ahead.
So how does this change the wedding ceremony? Not very much, actually. We recommend describing the ceremony in the program (if you have a printed program) as "A Re-Commitment Celebration of the Marriage of ____ and _____" or similar wording. If there is no printed program (or perhaps even if there is), in the officiant's Greeting, at the very start of the ceremony, it would be appropriate to announce something like, "Some of you may not know that Sally and Bill were married in a civil ceremony last year, but they wanted very much to share their joy with a gathering of those they hold most dear, so they are delighted that you are here with them to share in the celebration they were not able to have last year. They thank all of you for coming today." (You can change this, of course, in any way you want.)
The rest of the ceremony can go on as if this were the actual wedding rather than a recommitment, until the end, where, in place of the Pronouncement, there might be a Blessing on this marriage.
A TRUE STORY
One couple who came to us had exactly this dilemma of not having told their families that they were in fact already married. Both in the military, their only chance of being assigned to the same location was to get married -- right away. So they did.
And now, a year later, they wanted a big ceremony with friends and family.
"You really need to tell your families," we told them.
The groom was especially worried. He was sure that after he made his announcement to his family, they would storm out in disgust and not come to the wedding.
But we persuaded them that the ceremony could not be legally performed as a "pretend" marriage, and that the parents really needed to be informed before the ceremony.
So immediately after the rehearsal, the bride and groom gathered the family together, and the groom said hesitantly, "We've, ahem, got an announcement to make. We don't know quite how to tell you this, but... But actually, well, I'll just say it. We actually got married a year ago." Then he stopped, sort of ducked, and waited for the explosion.
Silence. Then one of the parents said softly, "Yeah, we kind of thought you might already be married. That's great. Now, is everybody ready to go to dinner?"
Sort of a let-down, when they were waiting for an explosion. But a relief.
